Golf is what you play when you're too out of shape to play softball.

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself  in that lake."

Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."


Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course,"

Caddy: "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."


Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"

Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!"


Golfer: "Well Caddy, How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."


Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before,Sir."


Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."


Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"

Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!"


Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!"


Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."

Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."


Judge in the courtroom: "Do you understand the nature of an oath?"

Boy on the stand: "Do I? I'm your caddie, remember!"


Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."

Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."


Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."


Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."

Caddy: "I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would-be too much of a coincidence.


I was in the sand so much I saw Yassir Arafat twice!


Q: What do you call 1,000 golfers lined up on a pebble beach holding hands?

A: Pebble Beach Golf Links.


Q: Why do golfers always carry two pairs of trousers with them ?

A: Just in case they had a hole in one.


The only reason I play golf is to bug my wife. She thinks I'm having fun.


You know it's too wet to play golf when your cart capsizes.

Q: Where can you find 100 doctors all at the same place on any given day?

A: "A golf course!!"


Two golfers were sitting at the 19th hole discussing their games this year when one says to the other, " My game is so bad this year I had to have my Ball Retriever REGRIPPED !"


Q: Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes: WHACK..."Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"!...WHACK.


Q: What should you do if your round of golf is interrupted by a lightning storm?

A: Walk around holding your 1-iron above your head, because even God can't hit a 1-iron!


Q: What's the difference between golfing in New York and golfing in Canada?

A: In New york they say, "Eeehhh, get off the green!" In Canada they say "Get off the green, eeehhh."


Q: Do you know why there are 18 holes on a golf course?

A: Because that's how long it took the Scots who invented the game to finish there bottle of whiskey!


Q: Did you hear about the golfer who got shot yesterday?

A: Yea, they said it was a hole in Juan.


Q: What is the only 'iron' that can come between a golfer and his clubs?

A: A skillet 'iron'!


Golf: a game in which the ball usually lies very poorly, but the player well.


The only difference between driving in golf and driving a car is that when you drive a car you don't want to hit anything.


My uncle, who has golfed all his life, has his own definition of the word G.O.L.F.: Getting Old and Living Fine!


Two long time golfers were standing over looking the river.

One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."


I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils


Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before sex?

A: She drops him off at the golf course!


Q: What are the four worst words you could hear during a game of golf?

A: It's still your turn!


Q: What is the one thing said on a golf course that is never heard in a whorehouse?

A: Bite you cocksucker!!!


Lady goes to a doctor and says that she's in pain because she got hit by a golf ball.

Doctor asks her where she got hit.

She says it was between the first and second hole.

Doctor says ``well it doesn't give me much room to work on - does it?''


Amateur: ``How do you get so much backspin?''

Pro: ``Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''

Amateur: ``About 130.''

Pro: ``Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin *back*?''


This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!

This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!


Well Caddy, How do you like my game?

Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf.


Well, I have never played this badly before!

I didn't realize you had played before, Sir!


Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?

Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to!


I'm sorry to not tee off but my Doctor's told me I can't play golf!

Oh, so he's played with you too, Sir!


My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!

I'm sure you'll miss her terribly, Sir!


Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?

The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!


Please stop checking you watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!

This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!


In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.


The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!


Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.


The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.


There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating.


An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.


Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.


Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.


Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.


Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.


Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?

A: A guy will take twenty minutes to look for a golf ball.


A group of golfers were searching for one of there golf balls out in the deep rough.

After several minutes of laboring, the golfer who sliced his ball out into the trash declares he has found his ball, inciting another in his group to scream, "You liar! I have your ball in my pocket!"


 

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometime.