OK, there's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and golf's all day long. Well this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back Into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"
Wife Left Me
Chip called his friend in tears.
"I can’t believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."
"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend. "There are plenty of other women out there."
"Who's talking about her?" said Chip. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"
A "golf widow" concedes that if she is ever to see her husband she needs to learn the game. So she goes to the country club and signs up for lessons with the golf pro.
They get out to the course and the pro instructs her to hold the club as she would her husband's organ. She hits the ball and the pro exclaims, "Beautiful!! Great shot, right down the center of the fairway!
Now, take the club out of your mouth and we'll go for distance."
A LIKELY STORY
A golfer returned home late one evening. His wife was quite upset and demanded to know why he was so late. He explained what had happened to him on the way home from the golf course.
"I was driving home and I saw a car stopped on the side of the highway. A woman was out trying to change a tire, so I stopped to help. Her spare tire wasn't in very good shape, and I wanted to make sure she got home okay, so I drove along behind her. Once we got to her place, she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another, and before I really knew what was happening we were in her bed, having sex. Finally, I realized how late it was and left, jumped in the car and hurried home. I'm sorry I'm so late.
Die-Hard Golfer #2
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head down in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
Fred, playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play-off hole, and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling.
She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, " I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"
"Dear," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answered the husband. "Why do you ask such a horrid question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, love," replied the husband.
"Do you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, lamb." he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband on taking a different tact trying to end the conversation, "I'd remarry, then."
"You would?" responded the wife, looking quite pained.
"Yes," replied the trapped husband.
"Would you sleep with her in OUR bed?" asked the wife after a very long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied her tiring mate.
"I see," said the wife quite sternly and indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," stammered her mate, adding, "it would be a compliment to your exquisite taste."
"Really," replied the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"I don't know. But wouldn't that be the correct thing to do?," he replied.
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear. That would be impossible. She's left-handed."
A husband and wife died and went to Heaven together. They were met at the gates by an angel who was to show them the place. "Right over here we have our very own golf course!" said the angel.
"Wow! It's beautiful! Can we play it now?!" they both exclaimed.
"Sure," said the angel.
So the couple began playing. It was the most beautiful course they had ever seen. Everything was perfect... the fairways, the greens, even the roughs. The more they played the more the woman beamed with happiness, but she noticed her husband was becoming disheartened and angry.
The woman confronted her husband on what was wrong.
"I can't understand why you're not happy. We're in Heaven! We're together! We're playing on the most beautiful and most perfect golf course ever! What's wrong with you?" she asked.
"If you hadn't fed us those DAMN bran muffins, we'd been here years ago!"
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
"My wife says she's leaving me if I don't give up golf."
"What are you going to do?"
"Miss her like hell."
WHO SUFFERED MORE?
A wife was becoming quite worried because her husband had not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours passed she became more and more nervous. Finally, at about 8 p.m., her husband's golfing partner, Bob pulled into the driveway.
"What happened? You guys should have been back hours ago! Where's Frank?" asked the wife.
"Well, you see," replied Bob, "Frank had a heart attack at the third hole. Now don't worry, I took him to the hospital and he's going to be fine."
"Oh, my God, that's terrible, my poor Frank, to think about how he must have been suffering through all that pain," sobbed the wife.
"Oh?" Bob responded, "you think HE had it bad? What about me? How do you think I feel? Do you think I had it easy? All day long it was...
"...hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank..."
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied. "Just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fair way. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway...about 15 feet.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
SHHHH! DON’T TELL HER
A fourball watches a lone player play up short of the green they are on.
As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out.
He almost runs to the tee where the four ball is.
He looks at the bewildered players and says "I say chaps could I play through, I've just heard the wife has had a terrible accident".
My wife asked me why I don't play golf with Dean anymore. I asked her "would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk, loses so many balls other groups are always playing through, tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt and generally offends everyone around him on the course?"
"Certainly not, dear" she replied.
"Well, neither would he."
TO NAG OR NOT TO NAG
"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife, "Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."
"That," said Mildred, "wouldn't be a drive, it would be a short putt."
One Sunday a usually happy weekend golfer came home from the game very late, and much the worse for wear. 'Dear' wife greeted him at the door and demanded "Where the hell have you been and what have you been doing?" The husband wobbled around of slurred "Had a bad game, sort of lost everything...you had better pack some bags, I even lost you".
The wife screamed "How could you do that?", the man replied "It wasn't easy, I had to miss 3 one foot putts in the last 4 holes".
HELP ME HONEY!
There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be able to hit through.
Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door, waiting for him to hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in the doorway to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.
The distraught husband avoids golf for a year. But he finally recovers, remarries and is playing golf with his new wife. Once again on the 12th hole, he slices his drive to the shack.
His wife says, "Honey, if I open the front and back door of that shed, I think you could play through." "Nah," replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7."
A guy gets a call from the coroner, who wants to talk about his wife's recent death. "We were on the third hole'' the widower relates.
"My wife was standing on the ladies tee about 30 yards ahead of the men's when I hit my drive. From the sound when the ball hit her head and the way she dropped like a rock I knew immediately that she was dead. God only knows where the ball wound up.''
The coroner replies "That explains the injury to her head, but what about the Maxfli embedded in her rectum?'' "Oh'' says the man "that was my provisional.''
A police officer retired, and soon after spent every single day playing golf, which greatly irritated his wife, who was not a golfer. Every day he'd come home at 4 or 5 o'clock after playing a round at his club.
This went on for months. One day after his customary round, he came home at 8 o'clock, since he stayed to play poker at the club. His wife let him have it as soon as he came in the door, screaming at him, saying that retirement was for the both of them, and that she was not going to put up with it anymore.
Angered, he took out his 4 iron out of his bag, and hit her over the head with it. Rage set in and he kept hitting her, till she was dead.
Remorseful, he called his Detective colleague and tells him to come over as he killed his wife. The detective, who he used to play golf with when he was on the force, asked him what happened. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook everything that was said. The suspect told him of his wife's complaining, and how he finally snapped. The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook. He told the detective how he finally went over the edge and killed her, as he couldn't take it anymore.
"What club did you use?" the Detective asked. "A 4-iron", The detective very carefully wrote in his detective notebook.. "and how many times did you hit her?" asked the Detective. "oh, I dunno, lets see, (counting to himself) 3,4, 5, 6 times?"
"I'll give you a 5" says the Detective.
I DREAM OF JEANNIE
A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.
When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.
The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire." The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
She replied, "3 years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she responded, "31 years old."
The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
COFFEE, GOLF OR ME?
A woman is cleaning out her attic and comes across a small box. She opens it and finds 3 golf balls and $250.00.
When her husband comes home she questions him and he finally admits that every time he was unfaithful to her he put a golf ball in the box.
She immediately goes ballistic and starts yelling at him, but as she is doing so she thinks "30 years of marriage and only 3 golf balls."
She calms down and says, "What you have done is not nice but I'll forgive you. However, I still don't know what the $250.00 is all about.
Her husband looks up at her and timidly says, "Well darling, every time I had collected a dozen balls I would sell them."
During our weekly Lamaze class, the instructor emphasized the importance of exercise, hinting strongly that husbands need to get out and start walking with their wives. From the back of the room one expectant father inquired, "Would it be okay if she carries a bag of golf clubs while she walks?"
A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.
He replied that he and his wife had played the course every year for over 20 years, but this year she had passed away. He kept the tee time in her memory.
The twosome commented that this was very thoughtful, indeed, but certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "I thought so too," he replied, "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
A golfer ran into an old buddy at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all manner of things.
Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?"
The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!"
"Hey, good trade!" replied the former good buddy!