A young man is playing golf with a priest. At a short hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to his a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
Rabbi Malcolm invited the Pope to play golf. Since the Pope had no idea how to play, he convened the College of Cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Jack Nicklaus," they suggested, "and let him play in your place. Tell Rabbi Malcolm you’re sick or something." Honored by his Holiness's request, Nicklaus agreed to represent him on the links. John Paul, again with advice from his staff, made him a cardinal just in case Rabbi Malcolm was to get suspicious. When Nicklaus returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came in second," was the reply. "You mean to tell me Malcolm beat you?" John Paul yelled. "No your Holiness, said Jack. "Rabbi Woods did."
GOLF ON SUNDAY
After church one Sunday, one of the congregants walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?
"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."
YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT!
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, 'You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?'
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I won't."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
SIGN OF SUCCESS
A rabbi and a priest go golfing with the club pro and his friend. Before the friend gets up to hit the ball, he crosses himself. With that the rabbi leans over to the priest to ask,
"What does that mean?"
To which the priest replied, "Not a damn thing if he can't play!"
DON’T BET ON IT
A minister went to the local golf course hoping to find someone to play with. As luck would have it, there was a member in the pro shop looking for a game, so they were introduced and went to the first tee.
The member asked, "What's your handicap?"
The minister replied, "I'm a twelve."
The member said, "Oh, good, so am I. Would you like to bet a dollar a hole?"
The minister agreed, and when they finished they went into the club house.
As the minister was shelling out eighteen dollars to the member, he said, "Say, I'd like for you to come down to the church sometime."
The member said, "'I'd like to do that."
Then the minister added, "And bring your mother and father; I'd like to marry them."
THE GOLFING PREACHER
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." The Lord nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away (For those unaccustomed to golf, this is the world's most exciting thing to a golfer - like winning the Worlds Cup by yourself) A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"
ANOTHER GOLF JOKE
Jesus and Moses were teeing off on a 149 yd par 3, with water hazard.
Jesus pulled out his wedge and hit his first ball into the water.
Again he dropped a ball on the ground and repeated the shot with the same results....
Moses said,"Get a longer iron or you'll never make it across"
Jesus dropped another ball to the ground and repeated the swing dropping the third ball in the water short of the green. water;
"I don't understand", he said, "I saw Arnold Palmer hit a wedge to the green on this same hole yesterday!"
"That was my last ball!" Jesus remarked as he walked across the water fishing for his lost balls.
A foursome approached the green and one man replied, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses replied, "He thinks he Arnold Palmer"
DEALS WHILE GOLFING!
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm Father O'Malley."
“RABBI TIGER WOODS”
“The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr.. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But" he added, "There is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal, then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the match. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I've ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "What's the bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
HOLE IN ONE
Moses, Jesus and a friend came down to Earth one day to play golf. Moses led off on the first hole and hit a mighty blow. Unfortunately, it began to slice around to the right and was headed straight for a small lake.
Seeing his ball lake-bound Moses made a gesture, the water parted, the ball took a huge bounce from the dry lake bed and rolled up on to the fairway. Jesus played next and hit a similar shot. Instead of parting the waters as the slice approached, however, Jesus gestured and the ball bounced happily on the water's surface and rolled along and up on the fairway.
The third golfer then took his driver in hand and hit a mighty blow. Unfortunately, however, this one too began to curl off to the right, towards the dreaded lake.
Just before the ball was to splash into the water an eagle came screaming out of the sky and seized the ball in its talons. As it was flying towards the shore the ball came loose and fell towards the water.
Fortunately, as the ball once more seemed sure to reach a watery grave a big turtle emerged from the depths and the ball careened off his shell and onto the fairway. A gray squirrel seized the ball and ran to the green where he dropped it a foot from the cup. Momentum carried the ball in for a hole in one!
On seeing this performance, Jesus turned to Moses and said, "I hate playing golf with Dad. He's always showing off!
THE HOLY THREE
Jesus, Moses and God were out playing golf one day. Jesus teed off first, and the ball flew straight over the fairway, landed in the green and rolled to within a couple feet of the hole. Moses hit second, and his ball also soared and landed close to the hole. Both looked over at God. God took a few practice swings, then let loose on his ball. The ball flew off into the rough.
Just then, a squirrel jumped over, grabbed the ball in his mouth and started running across the fairway. An eagle swooped down and grabbed the squirrel in its claws, but before it could get too far, a bolt of lightning struck the bird. The ball fell and a sudden gust of wind dropped it directly into the hole. Jesus glared at God and said: "Hey, are you here to play golf or just screw around?"
GOLFERS IN HEAVEN
Three golfers are standing at the gates of heaven and St. Peter asked them if they ever cheated while playing golf with their wives.
The first man said all the time, so St. Peter gave him a motorcycle and admitted him to heaven.
The second man said "I cheated a couple of times" so St. Peter gives him a mid-sized car and lets him into heaven. The third man said "For 40 years I only ever played golf with my wife, most of the time she beat me but I never cheated ."
So St. Peter gives him a Rolls-Royce and admitted him to heaven. A week later the three men met at an intersection in heaven and the third man was sitting in his car crying. The other men asked why he was crying, he had such a nice car. The third man said "I just saw my wife and she was driving a skateboard".
THE ALMIGHTY “F” WORD
This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
POPE’S PLAY TOO
The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine who are superior - Jews or Catholics - by challenging you to a golf match."
The Pope was greatly disturbed as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.
"I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Palmer."
There is a guy who is playing golf with a priest. While they are on the 10th green the guy misses a three foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him not to use vulgar language on the golf course. Then on the next hole the guy misses a two foot putt and says again, "God dammit, I missed." The priest tells him that if he continues to use vulgar language on the golf course, he will have God strike him down with lightning and kill him.
Then on the next hole he misses a one foot putt and says, "God dammit, I missed." All of a sudden a tremendous bolt of lightning comes down and kills the priest! Immediately after, a voice comes out of the clouds and says, "God dammit, I missed."
THREE WISE MEN
Two pastors, one Catholic and one Protestant, and a Jewish rabbi were part of a threesome one day on the course. The group ahead of them were playing slow, terrible golf and weren't gesturing for a play-through. After several holes of this agonizingly slow golf the three clerics began to get very impatient, each muttering his own curses upon the group ahead of them.
Soon the Marshall came about, and was hailed down by the holy men who shouted, "We're sick of being held-up by these yahoos ahead of us who won't allow us to play through!" The Marshall stated, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but those men are both deaf and blind."
The Protestant cried, "Oh, Jesus, forgive me for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The Catholic cried, "Oh forgive me, Mary, for my bad thoughts and cursing upon those poor souls." The rabbi shouted, "So why can't they play at night!?"
THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT
God and the devil decided to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The devil drew honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive 280 yards that split the fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight out of bounds into the woods. The ball bounced madly off one tree then another and then miraculously popped out high in the air back toward the fairway.
Instead of landing safely in the fairway, however, the ball landed square on the back of a dove flying by. The dove carried the ball toward the green, 400 yards away. Unfortunately, the ball slipped off the dove's back into the water hazard just short of the green. No sooner had the ball plopped into the water when a giant water spout arose and lifted the ball up into the air, onto the green and into the cup for an ace. The devil shook his head disgustedly and asked, "Do you want to play golf or do you want to screw around?"
THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA
An ardent golfer dies and finds himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the man he has lived an exemplary life and that he can go right in. The man asks, "St. Peter, where is the golf course?"
"I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one thing we don't have here."
The man turns and decides that he will see if the situation is any better in hell. On the road to hell, he is greeted by the devil who has already heard of the golfer's rejection of heaven.
"This way, sir," says the devil, "the finest tournament-quality 18 holes you are likely to find this side of Augusta, Georgia."
The golfer looks around and agrees that it is the finest course he has ever seen and decides he'd rather spend eternity there than in heaven, so he signs up for the full package.
"So," he says to the devil, "why don't you go get me some clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life."
"I'm sorry, sir, we don't have any."
"What?" says the man. "No balls or clubs for a fine course like this?"
"No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell of it."
One Sunday, St. Peter and God were up in heaven having coffee and bagels and just shooting the breeze, when St. Peter saw a priest down on one of Earth's golf courses. He told God about this blasphemy, and God told St. Peter that the priest would be duly punished.
With St. Peter looking over his shoulder, God caught the priest's drive at the 10th hole and dropped it straight into the hole. "That wasn't much of a punishment," said St. Peter. "He just made a hole-in-one!" God laughed. "Yeah, but who's he gonna tell?"
THE 3 NUNS
A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up."
The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience.
He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn."
The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "Goddammit!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..."
The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a goddamm tree, did you?"
Joe and his priest are playing in a golf match. Joe's game is perfect that day, and he is giving the priest a thorough drubbing. The priest can only sigh as he fills in the scorecard from the last hole.
Sensing his pastor's unhappiness, Joe says to him, "Cheer up Father--just think, one of these days you will be giving the services at my funeral."
The Priest looked at him and made a poor attempt at a grin while saying, "Yes, that may be true, but it will still be your hole."
ONCE A GOLFER, ALWAYS A GOLFER
A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him. He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?""Yes, I am," he replied. St. Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
ST. PETER ASKS
A golfer arrives in heaven. St Peter meets him at the gate. "We usually don't get golfers here you know, they swear too much," he says to the golfer.
"I've only taken the Lord's name in vain once, Sir," the golfer replies.
"Tell me about it," St. Peter says.
"Well, I hit my tee shot badly. It hooked deep into the woods."
"And that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?" St. Peter asks.
"No, the ball hit a tree and bounced out towards the center of the fairway but it ended up in the fairway trap."
"And that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?" St. Peter asks again.
"No, I hit a great sand shot, but it caught a branch and fell twenty yards short of the green."
"And then you took the Lord's name in vain?" St. Peter asks impatiently.
"No, I chipped it and it stopped 6 inches from the cup."
To this St. Peter exclaims, "Godammit. Don't tell me you missed a six-inch putt."