THIS SIGN IS POSTED AT A GOLF CLUB in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please ... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Well done! Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
Tiger & Arnie
Tiger Woods and Arnold Palmer. One bright day Tiger Woods and Arnold Palmer were golfing at Pebble Beach, when Tigers Tee shot goes off the fairway behind a 100 some odd foot fir tree. Puzzled Tiger says" Arnie what would you do in this situation, lay up across the fairway, or take a penalty stroke". Arnold replies "When I was your age I would just hit over top of it.
Not wanting to be outdone by old Arnold Palmer, Tiger proceeds it hit the ball high, but no where near high enough. The ball comes down bounces of the tree and out of bounds, Angrily Tiger looks at Arnold and says "how on Earth did you hit over this Tree" Arnie says" Well, when I was your age, the tree was only three feet tall
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of
the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he built a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded."
The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and is a go-go Dancer in a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he
continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
This bloke is on a business trip to central Africa. On his last day, he has some spare time and he asks the concierge at the hotel if there is a golf course nearby. "Oh yes Sir", says the Concierge "We'll arrange everything". So off the guy goes in a hotel car.
After an hours drive through the jungle, the guy is amazed when they arrive at an absolutely beautiful course, cut from the rain forest. He goes into the pro shop to organize clubs, shoes and a tee off.
"Oh yes sir," says the pro "no problem with clubs, shoes or a tee-off. What's you're handicap?"
"What does it matter?" says the guy "I am playing alone."
"Very important", says the pro "We're very strict at this course"
"Fair enough" says the bloke "I play off "16" on my home course".
"Very good Sir", says the pro "This is Abdul, who will be caddying for you".
The guy turns around and sees Abdul, a six foot six black guy carrying a bag of golf clubs and a huge, heavy caliber rifle, and off they go to the first tee.
The first hole is par four, slight dog leg left. The bloke is standing on the tee contemplating his shot and Abdul says "Now sir, you want to hit a slight draw down the left hand side. Whatever you do, don't hook it into the trees on the left".
Of course, the bloke immediately hits a snap hook into the forest. He is in the woods, just off the fairway looking for his ball and just as he finds it.... BANG!!! the rifle goes off. The guy is astounded to see a huge snake fall out of the trees at his feet. "Giant black Mamba" says Abdul, "Very dangerous snake. You are lucky I was here - I saved your life"
The guy is understandably shaken, but manages to knock the ball out to the middle of the fairway, hits a good approach and makes bogey. They walk to the next tee.
"Now Sir", says Abdul, "This is a par 5, dog leg right, you can cut the corner but whatever you do, don't slice it into those bushes on the right"
Of course, the guy hits a big cut into the bushes. He is scratching around in the scrub, and just as he spots his ball... BANG!!! the rifle goes off again and a huge lion falls dead at his feet. "Man-eater," says Abdul "Once again I have saved your life". The guy recovers from the shock, hacks back into the middle of the fairway, nails his next shot onto the front of the green, chips and two putts for another bogey. Off they go to the third.
The third is a 140 yard par three, downhill over a pond. "I don't have to tell you what to do here Sir" says Abdul, holding out an 8 iron.
"Let me have the 9 iron" says the bloke. "Are you sure, Sir?", says Abdul, "you don't want to be short."
"Give me the nine" says the guy and smacks a beauty, that unfortunately pitches on the far edge of the hazard and rolls back down to just above the water.
The guy sees he's just about got a shot, so he carefully climbs down the far side, standing with his right foot just at the water's edge. He's got the sand wedge and he's just lining up the shot, when... with a roar, a huge crocodile flings itself out of the water, clamps onto his leg and starts to drag him back down into the pond. The guys is clinging to the hazard stake, hollering at Abdul "SHOOT IT, SHOOT IT, SHOOT THE BASTARD..."
and Abdul says....
"I'm sorry Sir, this is Stroke Hole 17, you don't get a shot here"
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
For The Golfers Out There
Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."
Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I/m still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right."
Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"
Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."
And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"
He replies: " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But how do you putt?" says Nicklaus.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"
Stevie says: "Well, I play off scratch."
Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that - when would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!" The man replies, "I found it."
Ancient Man/Modern Man
When ancient man used to yell and scream and shriek and beat on the ground with sticks they called it witchcraft.
When modern man yells and screams and shrieks and beats on the ground with sticks, they call it golf!
CONCENTRATION After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" "Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded . . .
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
SEEING IS NOT ALWAYS GOOD
A man was looking for a new caddie one day when his friend said " I know a great caddie - he is 90 years old but he has eyes like a hawk"
"OK then " said the man "tell him I'm playing again in a week. "
The week passed and they started to play. The golfer hit a perfect drive and he said to the caddie "did you see where it went"
The caddie then said "yes"
"OK then where is it?"
The caddie replied "I forgot."
OLDIE BUT GOODIE
When a big thunder storm comes when I am out playing golf, most on the course run for cover. I just take out my 1 iron and stand in the middle of the fairway with the club held high over my head and wait for the storm to pass. I do not fear the lighting because I know not even GOD can hit a 1 iron.
Two friends are playing golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt track, covered in gravel and sunken stones. The owner of the ball ask his friend: " Do you mind if I have a drop, I cannot play from here, it's too rough"
" No, I'm sorry, but you play from where you lie!"
" But I'm going to destroy my club, it's all rocks and gravel."
" Tough, but no favors, you play from where you lie."
The poor chap stops arguing and take his first trial swing and of course, gravel and sparks fly everywhere. Second swing, same again. Finally he feels ready, moves to the ball and hits ... gravel and sparks everywhere, but the ball flies off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches from the cup.
" My God, what a shot!... which club did you use?" " Your five iron..."
Q: Did you know the toughest golf foursome to play behind?
A: Monica Lewinski... OJ Simpson... Ted Kennedy... & Bill Clinton
Monica is a hooker... OJ is a slicer... Kennedy can't drive over water...& Clinton doesn't know which hole to play.
BARRIERS BETWEEN RACES
The Italian had never played golf before and so he asked for some tips before starting the game. The American decided to teach the Italian the proper way to putt a golf ball. The American said, "You take this stick and hit the balls so that they roll into the hole". The American putted away and sank the ball from 20 feet in a single stroke. The Italian replied, "In America, you leave your sticka outta and a putta your balls in da hole, but in Italia, we put our sticka inna da hole and leave our balls out"!
GIVE ME A BREAK!
Tiger Woods went to play at a course in Alabama, after missing the cut in Montreal. He went into the pro shop and asked the started if he could play as a guest. "Sorry" said the starter, "but this club is for white boys only, but there is another club you can play at down the road. It's only a Driver and a 3-Wood away". "Hang on a minute" said Woods "don't you know who I am?" "Nope who are you?" said the starter "I am Tiger Woods" "Well in that case" said the starter, "It's only a Driver and an 8-Iron.
I KNEW THAT!
A man decided to take up golf and went to the local course and asked the pro to show him how to play. The pro told the man to put the ball on the tee and hit it as near to that flag as you can. The man put the ball on the tee and gave it a whack. It landed about 2 inches from the hole. As they walked up to the green the Pro said "Now all you have to do is tap the ball into the hole. The man said " Why didn't you say that when we were on the tee".
An ardent golfer visited the fortune teller with one thing on his mind. He asked the fortune teller: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"
The fortune teller replied: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
"What's the good news?", asked the golfer.
"The good news is that the golf courses in heaven are the most beautiful you could imagine!"
Amazed, the golfer asked "How could there be any bad news with that?"
The fortune teller said: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."
MAN’S BEST FRIEND
A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.
The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?"
"Somersaults," says the man.
"Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?"
"Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY!
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning in pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said from the ground, "and this is going to cost you $5,000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell, 'fore'."
"I'll take it!", said the attorney.
It seems that there was this Chinese business man visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before.
Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh s--t."
SILENCE IS NOT ALWAYS GOLDEN
We'd booked a 2:00 p.m. tee time, but when we arrived we found two fellows on the tee getting ready to tee off. When we explained that this was our tee time neither of them said a word, but both covered their ears, then their mouths, and then simulated cutting their throats indicating they were deaf and dumb.
We knew they were angry about us playing in front of them but we played off, and walked up the fairway discussing the situation.
Just then a ball flew past us right up the middle of the fairway, nearly missing us. When we looked back they were both holding up four fingers!
After 45 years in the military, most of it in charge of an artillery division, the General finally retired. He moped around the house for days until his wife, tired of hearing his complaints, told him to get a hobby. He chose golf. Never having golfed before, he called his former aide who happened to be an avid golfer. As they stepped up to the tee on the first hole, a beautiful par four of 425 yards with a slight dogleg right, the aide explained to the General that he had to hit the ball to the flag.
The General lined up his shot, took a powerful swing and knocked the ball to just 2 inches from the cup. The aide was amazed.
As they left the teeing ground towards the green, the aide remarked how great the shot was, it "almost" went in the hole.
"Almost?" said the General. "What do you mean?"
"Well," explained the aide, "the object is to get the ball INTO the hole in as few strokes as possible."
Staring at the aide in disgust, the General screamed "Why, the hell didn't you tell me that before!!??"
SINGLE VS. FAT
A recent study had some interesting conclusions on the weight of golfers in a particular summer industrial golf league. This study indicated that the single golfers who play in these leagues are "skinnier" than the married ones.
The study's explanation for this result was interesting. It seems that the single golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator, finds nothing decent there and goes to bed.
The married golfer goes out and plays his round of golf, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to bed, finds nothing decent there, so he goes to his refrigerator.
HAVING A BAD DAY?
Joe had a particularly bad day on the course - nothing went right and he became more angry with each passing hole. By the Par 3 17th, he was fit to be tied and when he missed a 2 foot putt (for a double boggy), he really exploded.
Letting loose a stream of curses the like of which has never been heard before or since, Joe proceeded to toss his clubs into the lake and set his golf cart on fire. Declaring that he would never play this game again, Joe stomped off to the club house, into the locker room and proceeded to cut his wrists.
At that point one of the club members happened in and, not noticing Joe's desperate condition, off-handedly said "Hey Joe, we need a fourth for tomorrow morning - how 'bout it?"
Joe looked up and said "What time?"
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, everytime I swing my 7 iron I pass this outrageous gas."
He swings the iron in the doctor's office and breaks a loud sound of wind. He swings the 8 iron and nothing, he swings the 6 and nothing. He swings the 7 again the same loud sound is heard, followed by a very foul smell.
The doctor says,”H’m, interesting case," and gets up and grabs a long pole laying against the wall.
"What are you going to do with that," the fellow nervously asks, fearing the worst.
"I'm going to open the window and let some air into this room," the Doc replies.
Two Scotsmen, Sandy and Angus, are playing golf one day and come upon a water hole. Sandy hits and sends one into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag and finds that he has no balls remaining. He asks Angus for a ball and promptly hits that one into the pond as well.
This goes on 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for a 6th ball, Angus says, " Sandy these balls cost me a lot of money, " to which Sandy replies, "Angus lad, if you can't afford to play the game, you should not be out here ".
One day two software engineers were out playing a round of golf. They come to a par 3 with a blind tee shot. Both tee off and watch their ball sail toward the flag. When they get to the green, one of the balls is perched on the lip of the cup and other is in. As it turns out, both were playing Titleists #3s.
A heated argument ensued and they finally decided to let the club pro sort the mess out. The pro walked to the hole with them and looked at the ball on the green and then the ball in the hole. He turned to the two engineers in disgust and asked, "Okay. Which of you is playing the white ball and which is playing the orange ball?"
A golfer had made an awful shot and tore up a large piece of turf. He picked it up and looking about said, "What shall I do with this?"
"If I were you," said the caddie, "I'd take it home to practice on."
Two guys at a convention get totally drunk the night before a big golf match. During the match the two half-bombed characters manage to stay even with their opponents through seventeen holes. On the eighteenth, by some miracle, they are in a position to win the match if one of them can sink his seven foot putt.
The man sets up to putt with his feet wide apart. He draws his putter back. Just then a big black dog, chasing a squirrel, comes running across the green, the dog goes right between the guy's legs, and out the other side and runs off the green. The guy never flinches but strokes the ball into the hole for the win!
His partner goes wild shouting "I have never seen such total concentration. How you managed to drop that putt with that dog running between your legs ..."
"Oh", says his partner, "Was that a REAL DOG!!!!"
Said to a few of my friends that are patient enough for me to play a round with them.
"I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
"yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."
LET US PLAY
Manager: I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time open on the course today.
Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.
Manager: Of course we would, sir.
Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the balls. That was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."