Joe was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball which hit Mary directly in the right temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later Joe received a call from the coroner concerning her autopsy. "Joe, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"
"Yes sir," Joe replied, "that's correct."
"Well, Joe, I also found a large bruise on Mary's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"
"Yes sir," Joe said, "That would have been my mulligan."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. "It feels great." He replied. "But my thumb still hurts like the dickens!".
Blondes and Golf Balls
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."
Golf Lesson 101
Me wife says to me one day "Ain't it about time you learned to play this golf thing that all the other husbands are playin'?"
So I go next door and ask my neighbor "Can you teach me to play golf?"
He: "Sure. Have you got some balls and a club?"
Me: "?.....of course. Why?"
He: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll Tee-off."
Me: "Tee-off? Whats this Tee-off?"
He: "Oh, its just a golf term and we'll Tee-off right next to the clubhouse."
Me: "Look, you Tee-off where ever you want to but I'll Tee-off in private if you don't mind."
He: "(chuckle) No no, a Tee's that little thing about the size of your little finger."
Me: (them damn women been talk'n again)
He: "Look, the first thing you do is stick your Tee in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
Me: "Oh, this is sit down game?"
He: "No, you're standing up when you put your ball on the Tee."
Me: "Isn't that strechin' things a bit far?"
He: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs?"
Me: "?.....of course. Why?"
He: "Zippered bag or velcro?"
He: "Oh, well how do you hold your club?"
Me: "Two fingers."
He: "No, no. That's not right. Look, let me get around behind you like this. Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around you and show you how to swing."
Me: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your mind."
He: "O.K., look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder..."
Me: "No, no, that's my brother Jimmy you're thinking' of."
He: ". . . and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar."
Me: "I can well believe that."
He: "Then when your on the green . . ."
Me: "What's the green thing?"
He: "Ah, thats where the hole is."
Me: "You color blind?"
He: "No, why?"
He: "...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter..."
Me: "Whats a putter?"
He: "The smallest club made"
M: (DAMN that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).
He: "...and with it you put the ball in the hole."
Me: "You mean the putter?"
He: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter."
Me: "Well - that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talkin' about, because I've seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon."
He: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
Me: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know when I'm in the 18th one?"
He: "Why, the holes got a flag in it."
This Fellow's wife constantly berated him, to teach her to play golf.
Finally, one morning he relented. Off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty.
Husband steps up first and says "Now watch me, and do the same thing."
A nice shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
Wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and bounces it off a rock, clipped a tree, sideswiped the second rock and rolls up onto the green and sinks it.
Husband looks at this, and says "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
A LOSS FOR WORDS
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a nearby golf course from the clerk.
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending speech and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
A man stranded on a tropical island is amazed to see a gorgeous female scuba diver walking out of the water in a very low-cut wet suit. He runs to greet her and tells her he hasn't seen another human in five years. "Sounds like you could use a drink," she says as she unzips one of her pockets and offers the man a flask of 12 year old Scotch.
"That's the best drink I've ever had!" he exclaims.
"Would you like a smoke?" she asks as she unzips another pocket on her suit and offers the man a Cuban cigar. "This must be the best cigar in the world!" he shouts as he blows smoke rings in the air.
As she begins to unzip the front of her wet suit, she asks with a wry smile, "Would you like to play around?" "Wow, you got golf clubs in there, too!??"
A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. Reminding her that this was his golf league night he said he would be happy to go to the store AFTER playing his round of golf.
After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. He then proceeded to walk out of the grocery store to his Cadillac. Upon reaching his Cadillac he found it difficult to reach into his pocket to pull his keys out to open his trunk because his arms were full with two bags of groceries.
He saw a beautiful women walking nearby and he asked her, "Could you please do me a favor?" "Sure," she replied. He went on to say, "I can't reach into my pocket and get my Cadillac keys out to open my trunk and put my groceries away." "Do you think you could reach into my pocket and pull my Cadillac keys out?" "No problem," she replied.
When she pulled the keys out, two golf tees also were pulled out as well and fell to the ground. She bent over and picked them up. Looking at the golf tees in the palm of her hand, somewhat quizzically she asked the man, "Gee, what are these for?" He replied, "Oh, those are to keep my balls in the air while I'm driving." To which she commented, "Boy, those Cadillac people think of everything."
HOW ABOUT SOME KNICKERES!
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"